About My Life · Poetry Attempts

Am I a Paradox?

I never thought there’d come a day when I’d be afraid of my own writing.

Who is the one who writes on paper?

Sometimes, I do not know what kind of person I am. Am I a shy and quiet person? Or am I a fun and expressive person? Because whenever I write, I would express all these things I couldn’t say with my mouth.

But then, why is that?

Whenever I speak, it’s like I’m stumbling down a steep and rocky slope, but whenever I write, it’s like the words are like a river. For some reason, my thoughts just couldn’t roll off the tongue like they would on paper.

But then, who is the one who writes on paper?

Well, I know I’m not trying to be anyone else, because to be anyone else, it’s really hard. Cause back when I was moving into the city, I would daydream all about starting over, because I wanted to be more talkative, more outgoing, more popular. But then it would always be easier to just be whoever I am, just the same.

But who even is this person? What kind of person am I?

Sometimes, the voice of mon stylo saignant slips out whenever I’m speaking out loud. Why am I referring to her like she’s a separate person? People would always tell me that I should speak up more, but then here I am, conflicted about my voice. I could hardly even bring myself to write anymore, because I’m conflicted about my voice. 

Why do even my own thoughts sound alien to me?

But then,

If you think about it,

This whole world doesn’t seem to make any sense to me either.

Like why do we see water fall from the sky? Why does 2 + 3 always equal 5? Why is the sun always agreeing to shine 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until it dies? Why couldn’t animals learn to speak in English, why couldn’t plants live without any waterwhy do we even need to have oxygen, out of all these things?

You could try to point it out in a textbook, but how do you think it’ll explain to me why–not how, but WHY everything works the way it does?

There’s absolutely nothing that’s stopping this world from changing its mind, except for GodAnd tomorrow, the laws of physics could just spontaneously rearrange itself without any warning. I might not even get to wake up tomorrow morning.

You know, I’m the strangest person I’ve ever met, but I think this entire universe is even stranger. We’ve just become too far used to the ways of this world that we never really stop to think about it.

It’s so strange indeed, very strange… but yet, how can it still be so beautiful? Just like all those fiery, twinkling stars in the night skyThose giant balls of fire suspended in utter nothingness. They are so strange, yet they don’t ever question the oddity of their existence, they don’t ever question why they are the way they are, they just keep on shining until they can shine no longer. Just how can they possibly do that?

And to think, that I’m kind of like the universe too: Strange, paradoxical, and mysterious. Full of never-ending oddities. Full of blatantly glaring imperfections, yet so fearfully and wonderfully made.

…I just need to be at peace with that.

About My Life · Updates

Three Years of Failing to Blog, and This is What I’ve Learned

Okay so yesterday I looked at my notifications, and apparently it was this blog’s third anniversary.

I was like, quoi???

And so I checked to see if it was right by looking at the site’s earliest pages, and of course the dates on the About page and Contact page were both on August 13, 2017 at 6:41pm. (And I’m pretty sure they were there from the very beginning.)

So, it looks like it WAS right.

…Pffft.

Okay guys, I’m so sorry that I barely post anything that this blog was practically DEAD most of the time, LOL.

BUT RECENTLY, I’ve decided to make a comeback. This month I’ve been working behind-the-scenes, redesigning the site and planning out a new homepage so that people can better navigate through this blog.

I’ve also been reflecting on why this blog even died out in the first place:

1.) My reviews were too long and time-consuming, mainly because I wasn’t sure how to write it.

Especially for the Mystic Messenger reviews: I knew that I wanted to invite anyone who’s interested to play that game… But after I wrote the little “spoiler-free section,” I honestly tried to explain the entire story as if I’m also talking to somebody who doesn’t want to play the actual game but would still like to hear about all my thoughts and experiences.

I even said, “Don’t worry, you won’t need to play it to understand.”

BUT LIKEEE, that honestly just defeats the whole purpose of a review, right? A review is meant to help people decide on whether to play the game or read the book or not. And it really doesn’t even make sense to tell people about the whole story if they would be interested enough to hear it. Because if they’re interested enough to hear it, then why don’t they just PLAY THE GAME instead of reading all the SPOILERS?? x_x *facepalms*

So right now, I’m in the process of revising those reviews, just for the sake of my own sanity (and also because it’s one of my most favorite games ever).

Lessons learned:

  • No matter how much you’d love to talk about something, you’re going to wear yourself out if you don’t know who your target audience is and whether your target audience actually exists or not.
  • A review is basically a recommendation. The discussion afterwards is not supposed to be a whole summary + your thoughts.
  • If the spoiler-free review convinces them to read the book, then just let them read the book instead of wasting your time retelling the entire story for them “in case they don’t really want to.” Smh.
  • If the reader has already read the book or whatever, but then they came to the discussion part because they wanted to hear your in-depth thoughts about it, then you shouldn’t have to act like they’re dumb. So cut off all the unnecessary and boring parts.
  • Stop falsely thinking that each of your readers are going to read the entirety of each of your posts. That’s like trying to talk to someone about Kim Kardashian when they don’t even want to talk about it. If they’re not interested, then they’re not interested, so just let someone else who’s interested read it.

2.) I kept revising too much. Perhaps this is like practicing in preparation for writing a future novel… But this isn’t a novel, this is a BLOG. Though I do value quality over quantity, but still. I’m pretty sure I just spent more time editing previous posts rather than working on a new one.

This fatal mistake led me into a never-ending circle that only reinforced the glaring mistakes that I made on my reviews. In a way, it was like dunking my head into a hole and keeping it there.

I think part of the reason why I revised so much was because I wanted to make sure that my readers understood exactly what I was saying. But now that I look back on it, I think I was a little too detailed. For instance, I tried to explain things that everyone should know already, or things they didn’t even have to know.

It’s like when I wrote a lab report and spent too much time explaining how the whole process of gel electrophoresis works instead of focusing on the reason WHY we even had to use gel electrophoresis in the first place.

And on top of that, I was honestly trying too hard to get the words perfectly well said. I realize I have this tendency to keep changing how I phrase each of my sentences until I think it sounds just about right. See, I’m even still doing it with this post right now.

Sigh, the problem with writing is that you can have all the time in the world before you turn in your final product…

Lessons learned:

  • It isn’t worth it to make a perfect post if it’s perfectly pointless.
  • When writing a post, you should have a clear goal in mind. Don’t add things that you think are cool but are actually irrelevant and useless to the reader.
  • Basically, GET TO THE POINT. The reason why you kept editing them so much is because you don’t really know what your point is, so you end up not knowing what to do with all the irrelevant stuff that you still think are cool, but you don’t really want to get rid of it until you realize that you have to get rid of it because it’s pointless. You just gotta have to kill your darlings sometimes.
  • YOUR READERS ARE NOT DUMB EITHER. So stop thinking they might not understand what you’re trying to say because this is NOT a college textbook or anything. I mean, you’re not talking to a five-year-old, are you?
  • HURRY UP AND GET THE POST WRITTEN UP before it’s 20 months later and you still haven’t published it because you still don’t think it’s quite that “perfect yet.

3.) I really just didn’t know how to write on a blog. Well, I certainly knew WHAT I wanted to write about, but it looks like I was simply all over the place. Yes, I know that my poetry can have that kind of freedom, but definitely not my reviews. And of course I realize that the idea behind the name of this blog is essentially the idea of expressing my thoughts out there no matter how weird and crazy it is. But other than the poetry, I think that kind of attitude should be more about my confidence rather than my actual post. No one wants to read a weird and messy post that leaves them feeling confused.

Lesson learned:

  • Feel free to get your thoughts out there, but don’t actually spill all your brains all over the paper (unless it’s some kind of angsty poem or something).

Anyways, that’s pretty much the main lessons that I’ve learned so far. I know I could’ve made the excuse that I was just busy with school and my personal life, but if it really comes down to it, I really didn’t try to make any time for this blog because of the three reasons I explained above.

But from now on though, I’m gonna do better. I probably won’t ever as perfect as I wanted, but at least I’m gonna try not to write like how I did before.

At least these past three years have been a personal blogging experience for me, and hopefully after reading this, you’re gonna try to avoid making the same mistakes too. Well maybe you’re not also trying to make a blog, but the main idea behind these lessons could also be applied anywhere else in life, like whenever you’re writing a paper, giving a presentation, or just communicating with anyone.

Well that’s all for now, so thank you for reading! 🙂